Monday, June 8, 2009

The ABC's of Me

A - Age: I Just turned 21 for the 3rd time

B - Bed size: 34D ... oh. read that wrong.

C - Chore you hate: sponge bathing my mother. I only do it once a month, so it gets pretty messy.

D - Dog's name: Jose

E - Essential start your day item: My vibrator.

F - Favorite books: Dating a Narcissist for Dummies, Getting to Know His Other Personality, How to Turn Your Man into a Jealous Possessive Lunatic.

G - Gold or Silver: I'd much prefer a 6 pack and a pocket rocket. great gifts.

H - Height: Fluctuates, Depending on how tall my date is...

I - Instruments you play: The skin flute.

J - Job title: Bounty Hunter/Lion Tamer

K - Kid(s): ...are all ugly and stupid compared to my baby :) ... (Except for your child, of course. So cute and smart.)

L - Living arrangements: I have beds available for you working girls out there. 50/50 split.

M - Mom's Maiden name: Bitch

N - Nicknames: "Ash", "Cutie Pie", "You lying cheating bitch I swear to god I loved your stupid ass and you go out and fuck some Dominican dude behind my back". I get called that last one a lot.

O - Over the top in love with: You baby, I swear.

P - Pet Peeve: When my uncle uses an alias to try and hire me as his hooker. I keep telling him I would NEVER do that. Especially since he shorted me $20 that one time.

Q - Quote from a movie: "Mind if I smoke while you're eating?" .... heh heh

R - Right or left handed: I'm an excellent multi-tasker... I've even learned how to incorporate my feet.

S - Siblings: ... are like O'Douls... Tastes the same, but it's just wrong.

T - Time you wake up: Party time

U - Underwear: ...aren't nearly as fun as the look on the pilates instructor's face when he clearly sees that I'm not wearing any.

V - Vegetable you like: cucumber, carrot, plantain, turkey baster

W - Workout style: reverse cowgirl

X - X-rated movies: ...are an excellent source of income.

Y - Yesterday's best moment: So many... probably when he said "I think that's more like a 'city peacock'..." ... the sex was a close second.

Z - Zoo favorite: I love the Asian's. Oh wait... that's not the zoo... that's the cat house.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Without a Man...

I make my own money...
I cook my own meals...
I provide for my family...
I tell you I'll call, but then never get back to you...
I'm absolutely TERRIFIED of commitment....
I'll sleep with anything I'm physically attracted to...

I'm JUST like a guy! .... But I'm not. I am a STRONG female. I do NOT need a man to hold it down... I hold it down my own self. So WHY do I still come across problems when I'm living on my own?

I've been single, and living on my own since December, 2008. I was doing FINE. MORE THAN FINE. Until today... I woke up this morning at about 5:30am... walked into my kitchen to get some Gatorade... turned on the light... and AHHHHHHH... in the center of my kitchen was a humongous, slimey, gyrating cockroach on it's back. I fucking freaked. 6 months ago, I'da reacted in 2 ways: 1.Scream and run, and 2. Holler for my man to take care of it. I'm not sure which of the 2 reactions it was, but ONE of them got rid of the roach, everytime. Without Fail.
This morning, I reacted the same way I always did. Scream and run, holler for my man. But this time- neither of those got rid of my roach.
Oh my god.... What was I supposed to do? Yeah- I make 10x's more $$$ than any guy I've ever dated... I got my own place, my own money, my own career... I'm NOT ready for a relationship, I've raised my daughter practically by myself, and I can do it ALL on my own. So WHY the fuck couldn't I pick up a gawddamned half dead cockroach?
I was determined to take care of this as well as I'd taken care of every other single aspect of my life. I got a bottle of bleach, a roll of paper towels, gloves, and a broom. I stood in the kitchen for about 10 minutes... then..... I called my dad. He came over, and picked up the bug.
Gawd damn woman, you need to learn how to be a man. I really thought I had everything on my own, until this morning. This morning was the first morning I'd EVAR missed being in a relationship. I didn't miss my ex- I just missed a MAN. I had taken for granted all the manly man stuff men do. I thought, maybe I should just give in, and commit to someone.... but then I thought- I felt so strong, so powerful, so proud to be a single independent woman- until of course, I thought "Now, who the hell is gonna take out my trash?" .....